Have you ever seen that great Buzzfeed video about things that cats do that would just be kinda creepy if a person did them? Like maintaining eye contact and then knocking your things off the table or rubbing their heads against the corner of your laptop.
The video is hilarious and, as every cat person will tell you, oh so honest. But cat videos always make me think of baby videos (come on, they’re basically the same thing, cute and cuddly but weird and inscrutable) and that got me thinking about the downright creepy things parents do when trying to juggle multiple children, things that, if you did them with anyone else, would be just kinda creepy.
1. Hugging you elder child, who’s busy being
an emotional wreck a normal three-year-old and, while you’re doing it, making faces and throwing huge happy smiles at your younger child. I mean seriously. Imagine hugging your spouse, who’s had a bad day, while literally winking and smiling at someone else behind their back, you two-timing cheater.
2. Watching your child sleep, sniffing their delicious hair and wishing you could bottle that smell. With any other person, this would just be creepy and stalkerish.
3. Telling your kid what to eat and when to eat it. Try that with your spouse.
4. Scheduling every moment of their lives. Can you say controlling boyfriend?
5. Assuming they just need a nap or a snack whenever they’re feeling weepy and emotional. How insensitive!
Basically, parents are sociopaths.
If you haven’t seen it, here’s the video: